“The camera pans the cocktail hour, behind a blind of potted palms,
And finds a lady in a Paris dress, with runs in her nylons.”
- Joni Mitchell “The Boho Dance”

This is my confession. I don't have a lifestyle. I barely have time to have a life! Style is out of reach and out of the question. Last month a Smooth Jazz concert in my hometown was billed as “An Elegant Evening.” I spent the day grouting the bathroom tiles. Wanting to support the artist and the promoter, I went anyway with grout mix dust clinging to my hair. I always go anyway. I was a fan before the term “lifestyle” was created. For that matter I was a fan before the term “Smooth Jazz” was created. So I get to stay and be the mutt in the yard - along with a lot of my friends who are also fierce and loyal fans, don't own designer anything, and cringe at the thought of paying more for a meal than they do for rent. This test has no right answers and there is no way to grade it, because if you are truly Smooth Jazz riff-raff the answers don't matter. Showing up, enthusiastically supporting the musicians, and having fun does.

1. You booked a Smooth Jazz cruise and saw that the dress code says evening concerts are dress up and no jeans. You:
1. have a dazzling wardrobe with more than enough outfits to cover all the concerts.
2. go on a shopping spree and buy enough outfits to cover all the concerts.
3. only have one dress up outfit so you buy one more and arrange to have them cleaned so you can wear   them on alternating nights.
4. only have one dress up outfit so you take it off the minute the concert is over and hang it under the    ceiling fan so it won't smell bad the next night.
   
   
2. You are going to a concert at a prestigious outdoor venue where concertgoers sit at tables and bring picnic dinners to enjoy before the show. You:
1. bring out your finest tablecloth, a vase for roses, and silver candle holders and call your favorite caterer to arrange for a spread for you and your friends.
2. pack a designer picnic basket with several bottles of wine and take-out items from your favorite upscale grocery store.
3. bring in a batch of ribs you grilled in the parking lot before the show.
4. talk the people sitting in front of you, who grilled ribs and brought them in, into sharing some with you in exchange for a few rounds of beer and your super-secret recipe for a BBQ sauce that is so hot it will pop your eyes out.
   
   
3. It's festival time. Travel is involved. You:
1. book the most convenient flight, buy tickets for the VIP section and call a nearby five-star hotel where the concierge knows you wel.l
2. request the dates as your vacation time and start searching the web for airfare and hotel deals.
3. find a red eye flight that fits your budget and call everyone you know to see if you can get 4 or 5 people to share a room with you at the closest Days Inn.
4. don't have to request vacation days because you don't have a job.
   
   
4. What do you wear?

   1. Designer clothes, designer purse, designer shoes, designer cell phone. Gotta keep up the image.
   2. Not Black-Tie, but elegant and sophisticated.
   3. Casual Cool, dressy jeans and a glitzy top.
   4. Oh... I don't get out of the gym until about 15 minutes before the show starts, so I'm not going to have time to change clothes or shower.
      
      
5. The band is on fire. The crowd is into it. You:
1. prefer to relax, kick back, and enjoy the music from your seat .
2. might tap your toes or nod your head, or even clap and wave your hands in the air if the band asks you to.
3. might start dancing in the aisles if some other people do it first.
4. dance in front of the stage, or maybe even on the stage, and if there is a pole close by, you never know what could happen.
   
   
6. Lucky you! You have backstage passes. You:
1. can't stay, there's a conference call for work at 7am.
2. shake hands with the artist, get your CD autographed and take a picture.
3. head straight for the deli tray and start stuffing yourself because you forgot to eat today.
4. stagger up to the artist and go “Dude! Remember that weekend in Maui! I had to get 12 stitches, but the scar is almost gone now!”
   
   
7. Your CD collection:
1. is extensive, alphabetized and categorized, stored neatly in the built-in shelves in your home theatre room.
2. takes up two or three long shelves and several CD books stacked neatly by the sound system in the living room.
3. contains a lot of CDs. You really intend to put them in order and buy a shelving unit to replace the bricks and boards.
4. is lying on the floor in your car.
   
   
8. Your favorite radio station:
1. has DJs with deep voices and promotes concerts and dinner cruises called “an elegant sophisticated evening with (artist).”
2. is on the internet. More variety and no commercials.
3. is your IPod, and the playlist has Metallica right next to Paul Taylor.
4. is the sports station that aired your fantasy football show and paid you in gift certificates from local bars.
   
   
9. When it comes to wine, you:

   1. attend a lot of tastings, have visited a few vineyards and have an impressive collection in your wine cellar at home.
   2. know enough to impress friends and co-workers when you take them out to dinner.
   3. know you don't serve Chardonnay with fried chicken and cheese grits.
   4. buy the big bottles on the bottom shelf at the grocery store.
      
      
10. Now that you've answered the first nine questions you:

    1. know what the riff-raff answers were and obviously didn't pick any of those.

    2. want a clear indication of what the riff-raff answers were so you can go back and change any that you may have picked.

    3. are glad the artists love it when you have a good time at their concerts and wish the people sitting around you felt the same way.

    4. need a beer, or six.

- Shannon West