Over the past month a lot of my friends have been taking off on Smooth Jazz Cruises, or should we say Smooth Music Cruises. Whatever. There was a big one that sailed off and stayed out for a week and a smaller one that sailed off and stayed out for a weekend. I was not on either of these ships. My feeling is that I would rather throw up at home then sleep on the couch with my dog. It's not just that, though. I looked at the schedule for the big cruise and practically had a panic attack on the spot. Merely imagining having to live on a timetable for a whole week stressed me out. I would have to wear a watch. It would be more like work than a vacation. And the formal events? I would be surrounded by attractive vivacious people who actually own more than one outfit and have some degree of functional social skills. That's the other thing - by day two it would be very obvious that I only had one outfit that didn't involve gym clothes or my favorite teams' logos and colors. Yeah, with the “Big Game” (you can't say you-know-what bowl due to copyright) party on board it would have been appropriate. I could have put on my Fred Taylor* jersey and sat in the corner and felt sorry for myself because my team sucked it up last season.  Well, actually by that time I would have probably been so deep in the throes of social anxiety that I would be sitting under a table hugging a bottle of Tequila anyway. Oh, that's another thing. There is always wine stuff at these things. I don't drink wine.

I explain all this to my friends who go on cruises, work for cruises, or promote cruises. And one day someone asks me what it would take to get me to go on a cruise. In other words she needed an extra roommate to cut costs.  But it did start me thinking. If I could have a vacation where I got to hear a lot of live music how would it play out. Thus, The Slob Girl's Fantasy Cruise was born.

The Slob Girl's Fantasy Cruise would be pretty taxing on the musicians involved because on my fantasy cruise there is no schedule. You show up anywhere, anytime, and someone will be playing. Concerts don't start at a certain time or end at a certain time and nobody is forced to sit in a chair. Guests can wander around, dance on a table, sit in the aisle or pass out beside the stage.  Bands and featured artists can just keep reconfiguring throughout the event on several different stages. They will be allowed a reasonable amount of nap, family and drinking time though.

Instead of formal night there will be a team logo night. You can wear your favorite game day gear and trash talk or pick fights with people who support teams you hate. Since I am booking the artists, this particular event will feature musicians who attended the University of Miami and I will sit on the front row and boo them. I would say University of Florida but I don't think that particular U has produced any stellar musicians.

There will be no seating for meals. Just walk in and eat when you want to. There will be lots of tables, including many that seat one or two. The neurotic and insecure won't have to worry about socializing during mealtime. They (we) can hide behind a laptop or a book at a cozy small table while enjoying a splendid array of culinary treats. Like BBQ sandwiches with coleslaw and French fries.

Since there are a lot of people who absolutely have to stand around drinking wine there will be one or two wine related events during the week. For the rest of us, this cruise will offer a full fledged beer extravaganza featuring all kinds of brews and microbrews from all over the world.  It will be an ongoing event just like the concerts. There will also be “that's so 2003” Martini night with free Red Bull martinis for the first 10,000 people.  There won't actually be 10,000 people on the ship but downing Vodka and energy drinks can cause you to pace in circles so you might as well get in line and have another. It will just look like 10,000. And being that it's on the ship there is no need for a designated driver.

I suppose we could get spiritual and offer the cruisers a chance to get their ego in check by offering self improvement seminars but why not do it the real world way – by actually making them feel inferior. There will be a whole group of people who will be traveling free just because they are more important than you are. You will see them everywhere and some of them will even be radio people who still have their jobs. They will all have entourages and fabulous wardrobes.  Just thinking about it makes me feel neurotic and insecure and that's a good thing because neurosis and insecurity are the essence of the Slob Girl vibe.

Because so many people involved in the creation of this cruise – that would be me - get motion sickness really easily the boat is not actually going to go anywhere where the motion of the ocean might be iexperienced. It will be docked right off Big Talbot Island in north Florida where there are absolutely no waves. Ever. Ask any surfer and they'll tell ya that's true.

The most fascinating aspect of this particular cruise will occur during the second half of our journey that doesn't actually leave Big Talbot Island. There will be a really bright light and high pitched sound. For a brief or not so brief moment we will be suspended in space and time. When it passes we will shake off the disorientation and survey our surroundings. That's when we will see The Island in the distance. Yes, that is why this is the most significant Smooth Jazz Cruise you have ever attended. We are on it because it is our destiny and even now they are waiting for us.

 

* Which I can never wear again now that he's with the Patriots. Yeah he got cut when he still has some play but the Patriots??