(Bumper music – "Will It Go Round In Circles?")

COOPER O'REALLY, HOST:  Welcome to the Go Spin Zone, SVN's nightly show where we give you all the facts even if we have to make them up.

Tonight we take a look at the long-running controversy surrounding America's music – Jazz.  We love it; we hate it; but what is it?  And more to the point, what ISN'T it? 

Straight-ahead, avant-garde, bebop, big band, contemporary, fusion, smooth… it's enough to make one's head spin.  And here at the Go Spin Zone, we love it when we can make your head spin like the kid in The Exorcist.  So grab hold of something.  Here we go.

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Blunt Phillips, SVN Correspondent and Attractive Talking Head:  Cooper, we're standing in the heart of the San Fernando Valley right here in Southern California.  Many regard this peaceful, suburban area as the birthplace of Smooth Jazz – an off-shout, some say, of contemporary jazz and fusion that begin to emerge in the early '90s. 

The controversy surrounding this musical genre began soon after its emergence when some radio marketing executive on an incredible high pondered,  "How can we market this new music to the masses?" and promptly came up with the label, Smooth Jazz – a label that almost instantly confused, angered or amused almost everyone.

Attempts throughout the last decade-and-a-half to change the name, and thus quell the controversy, to arguably less confusing titles, such as "contemporary instrumental," " instrumental pop,"  instrumental adult contemporary," "beautiful music," "quiet storm," "contemporary oldies" "anything with a saxophone in it," and my favorite, "calm the road-rage" music, have failed miserably.  Still the real controversy rages, Cooper.  Is it Jazz?

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(Back to the studio)

COOPER O'REALLY, HOST:  Thanks, Blunt.  Tonight, we'll tackle that controversy right here in our studio.  Please welcome our panel of experts:  Jane Lovett, Soccer Mom; Steve Juarez, Meteorologist; Arnie Cho, Former Radio DJ;  Sandra Yates, Elevator Inspector; Charles Selmer, Professor of Jazz Studies at the prestigious Broccoli College of Music; and  Howard Sauerman, Internet Forum Troll – SVN contributors, all.

Let's start with you, Charles.  Is Smooth Jazz really Jazz?

CHARLES SELMER: Well, Cooper, "Is smooth jazz really jazz?" probably cannot be answered by anyone with any degree of authority, because jazz is such a broad category.  At one extreme, anything with a steady beat and a little something that sounds like improvisation could be called jazz...  Kenny G would certainly qualify under this definition, even if you don't like his particular brand of improvisation... at the other extreme, if it isn't within a much narrower stylistic definition and tradition, like traditional, bebop, and so on, it's not jazz...  So it all depends on how you define jazz.

HOWARD SAUERMAN: The term "Smooth jazz" seems to inspire controversy.  "Traditional jazz" purists contend that smooth jazz is, in actuality, not jazz at all.  It's a misleading marketing buzzword that represents an attempt to hijack the prestige of jazz in order to sell "elevator music."

SANDRA YATES: I resent the term "elevator music."  What is that supposed to mean, anyway?

ARNIE CHO: Some view Smooth Jazz as uninspired, lacking the depth of expression, harmonic and rhythmic sophistication, and complex improvisation that are hallmarks of traditional jazz.  Some say that Smooth Jazz is just a watered-down sound whose aim is to appeal to a larger, mainstream, middle class white audience, though, notably, radio demographics have indicated that middle- and upper-middle class African Americans constitute what may be a significant percentage of smooth jazz listenership.

CHARLES SELMER:  I personally feel that smooth jazz is indeed a viable jazz subgenre.  Trying to keep jazz as a kind of museum exhibit is narrow-minded. The music of such widely respected musicians as Pat Metheny, David Sanborn, Marcus Miller, Sting and others are often classified as Smooth Jazz – all capable of performing well in multiple genres.

ARNIE CHO: The over-30 audience in the U.S. enjoys the melodic nature of smooth jazz.  They seem to enjoy the frequent revival of Pop standards and freedom from histrionic vocals, and the lacking of intensity of much of tradition jazz itself.  

STEVE JUAREZ:  However, the appeal of Smooth Jazz is developing amongst the late teens and 20s age groups in eastern Asia (especially Japan) and in Europe.  In particular, late-night coffee bars are playing Smooth Jazz in order to create an enticing late night, non-alcoholic social alternative where conversation is encouraged.  No matter what the national language, the genre is invariably referred to by this young, developing and affluent demographic as "Smooth Jazz."

HOWARD SAUERMAN:  Any music that is played on Muzak-style background music systems as well as telephone music on-hold services and on the Weather Channel is by definition garbage.  There is no level of virtuosity, improvisation, extended tracks or soloing in smooth jazz.

JANE LOVETT: Howard, most people like to listen to music that has a melody and a recognizable beat.  Smooth Jazz is pleasant to listen to.  My life is stressful enough.  I want the music I listen to be relaxing.  I don't want music that I need an advanced degree just to understand it.

HOWARD SAUERMAN: Jane, you ignorant slut.  I run into people like you all the time.  You're all on the payroll for the major labels.  How much did they pay you to be here tonight, Jane?

STEVE JUAREZ: Howard, you need to get back on your meds, dude.

HOWARD SAUERMAN: You're as ignorant as Jane.  You're all ignorant.  Smooth Jazz isn't even music, much less Jazz.

ARNIE CHO: You can't discount the success the genre has on the radio and at concerts and festivals all over the country.

HOWARD SAUERMAN: Another payee heard from.  Cotton Candy is popular, but it's all fluff.  Certainly, you don't actually consider it food, do you?

JANE LOVETT: Well, I don't really think it's relevant whether Smooth Jazz is actually "Jazz."  All that really matters is whether the music speaks to you or not, whether you like what you hear or not.

HOWARD SAUERMAN: Jane, the voices in your head are speaking to you.  Ignorant, ignorant, ignorant.

CHARLES SELMER: Howard, what is your degree in?

HOWARD SAUERMAN: What is that supposed to mean?  Just because I don't have a degree in music, and don't teach a bunch of ignorant kids a bunch of non-sense, does that mean I don't know what I'm talking about?  I grew up listening to real jazz.  I know more about it than any of you.

STEVE JUAREZ: Smooth Jazz is very popular on the Weather Channel.  I listen to it all the time.

COOPER O'REALLY: Well, we have to break for a commercial.  Thank you all for being here.  Let's have you all come back soon.  It seems this controversy is far from over.

- Elizabeth Ware