Do you live in one of the many places where smooth jazz artists visit infrequently or never?  Has the economy wiped out your budget for traveling somewhere to see a live show?  Has the summertime blues replaced the summertime jazz? 

You are not alone.  So, as the heat really starts to set in and all hopes of seeing your favorite smooth jazz artist this summer have failed; what can those of us who have been left out, left behind, and totally ignored do?  I'm glad you asked.

Once again, I offer you yet another "minutes-in-the-making guide" from Warehouse33 (and incidentally, we've been around a lot longer than that Scy-Fy show of a similar name):

HOW TO FAKE AN OUTDOOR SMOOTH JAZZ CONCERT

STEP ONE: Simulate an outdoor concert environment

1. Wait until the weather guys are predicting a really hot and humid day, and make sure there is a chance of afternoon and evening thunderstorms (for those of you living in the south, that would be pretty much any day).
2. Drag out your lawn chairs and/or blankets.
3. Fill the cooler with beer and coke (for those of you NOT living in the south, make that beer and pop, or beer and soda).
4. Stick your insect repellant, camera, and camcorder into an insanely oversized bag.  Stick your CDs in there too just in case there is a meet-and-greet.
5. Put all of this in your car.
6. If possible, find someone to take with you that will talk to you all the way through the show.
7. Put your home address (or the home address of a friend) in your GPS (or just get a map if you don't have a GPS).
8. Drive around a few minutes.  You might want to stop by Chick-Fil-A, McDonalds, or KFC on the way.
9. Pull back into your driveway or parking space (or your friend's driveway or parking space)
10. Pay yourself (or your friend) $10 per person for parking.
11. Gather your stuff and head to the backyard.
12. Stop yourself at the backyard gate and search your insanely oversized bag and cooler.  Tell yourself that no cameras are allowed and that you can't bring alcohol into the venue.
13. Take the contraband back to your car.
14. Pop open a beer, drink it really fast, and head back to the gate, but keep those beers in the trunk… you can come back later and buy one for yourself… the venue sells beer.
15. Search yourself again.  How can you be expected to remember everyone you've search so far today?
16. Look for an open spot near the stage (in this case, your deck, patio, or large grassy area will have to suffice for the stage), and spread out your blank and chairs, put on that insect repellant, and pull out the Chick-Fil-A bag and cokes.
17. Since you got to the venue early in order to find a spot close to the stage, you can just sit back, relax and chat-up your fellow concert goers (in this case, you dog, cat, squirrels, rabbits, and/or your friends).

STEP TWO: Simulate the stage and band/artist

1. If you have a deck, patio or large grassy area, place posters, photos, or CD covers around to simulate the band/artist.  Don't worry if they are small; just pretend you got hung up in traffic, got there late and have a bad seat.
2. Grab your preferred music listening device.  Outdoor speakers are preferred, but a portable CD player or iPod will work just fine.
3. Start playing some completely unrelated music to listen to while you wait for the show to start.

STEP THREE: Simulate the show

1. The show starts at 7:00, so somewhere around 7:20 get up on stage and make announcements in the loudest, most obnoxious "DJ" voice you can come up with.  Announce that due to tight travel schedules, the band will not be available for a meet-and-greet tonight, but CDs ARE available for purchase at the merch table.
2. At 7:30, announce the band/artist, start the music, and hurry back to your chairs and blanket.
3. Settle in and enjoy the show for a while.
4. Somewhere around 7:45, get up, go to the trunk of your car, and buy a beer for $5.
5. Come back to your spot.
6. Around 8:00 go buy another beer or two.
7. At 8:20, go inside and stand at the bathroom door for 10mins to simulate a line.  Finally get in, take care of business, and go back to your seat.
8. As it gets near the end of your CD or playlist of choice, start turning the volume up.  For the last song, make sure that it's loud enough to really hurt your ears.  Make sure you are on your feet at this point.
9. When the music stops, start cheering loudly, and keep cheering for about five minutes, then replay a random track for the encore.

STEP FOUR: Simulate the drive home

1. Gather up all your stuff.  Don't worry about the trash; the venue pays people to clean up your mess.
2. Make your way back to your car, load it up, turn it on, and then wait for about 20mins to simulate trying to get out of the parking lot at a real venue.
3. Drive around for a while, and then head back home.  If you had more than a couple of beers, either skip this part, and just pretend to drive around, or let a friend drive.

Enjoy! 

For even more fun, invite your friends and neighbors.  Hey, at $5 a beer, you can even make a little cash!